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JOKES!
The first joke would be the word "JOKES!" above!!! hope u can laugh a little....
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A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've
stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. The police were
dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.
However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second
time
with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said
with a hiccup, "I got in the
back seat by mistake."
_________________
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning
rounds, and
he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor,
sawing at a piece of wood with
the side of his hand. Meanwhile,
another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his
feet.
The doctor asked his patient what he was doing sitting on the
floor.
The patient replied in an irritated
fashion, "Can't you see I'm
sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And
what is the fellow hanging from the
ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy.
He thinks he's a
light bulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think
you should get
him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"
____________
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the
road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to
investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the
crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well,
some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
_________
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes, Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No-mine is
an undying love.
!!!!!!!!!!!!
little nothings
===============
1.
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at old age, to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles
a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.
3. I have to exercise early in the
morning before my brain
figures out what I am doing.
4. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch
our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
5. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die
healthier.
6. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
-----------
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends,
I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I
just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
^^^^^^^^^
A man in a supermarket
was pushing a cart, which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept
repeating softly, "Keep calm, George. Don't get excited, George. Don't yell, George."
A lady watched with
admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little George."
"Lady," he declared, "I'M George!"
^^^^^^^^^
A young
man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it
was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an
apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The
next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for
20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"Then
my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
~~~~~~~~
Hi friends
This is for all of you. Hope that you
will enjoy it.
Nehal
_________________________________
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven
when she noticed
that there were thousands
of clocks on the wall.
Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When
she asked St. Peter about the clocks,
he replied, "We have a clock for each person
on earth and every time
they tell a lie the
hands move. The clock ticks off one-second
each time a lie is told.
" Special
attention was given to two clocks.
The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has
never moved, indicating that
she never
told a lie.
The clock for Abraham Lincoln has
only moved twice.
He only told two lies
in his life."
Hillary asked, "Where is Bills' clock?"
St.Peter replied, "Jesus has it
in
His office...He's using it as a ceiling fan."
____________________________________
A mother told her daughter:
"If someone sexually harass you by touching
your top part, you must
shout "DON'T !".
Touching your low part you must shout
"STOP !" ".
Next
day, the daughter came back crying
home and told her mother she was sexually
harassed. The mother was so angry
and asked her why?
"What happened my baby?"
"It was terrible mother,.......
sob.......i
was in the
elevator when he came in .....
and there were two of us"
Then he touched my top so
i shouted DON'T" thegirl cried out
"That is good", the mother commented
"then
he touched my bottom and
i shouted again "STOP!",
the girl said wiping her tears.
"What
happened then did he tried to
touch you again?",the concerned mother asked.
"He then touched my
top and bottom at
the same time and i told him DON'T STOP!"
^^^^^^^^^
A
young businessman started his own firm. He had just rented a
beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing
to appear busy and important, the businessman
picked up the phone
and started to pretend he had a big deal in the works. He threw
huge figures around and made
giant commmitments.
Finally, he hung up the phone and asked the visitor, "Can I help
you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I'm here to install the phones..."
^^^^^^^^^
Three
newly recruited trainee police officers are having a cup of
coffee in their sports club canteen. They engage in a
conversation about superstition.
The seemingly older of the chaps says, "When my wife was
pregnant,
she read a book called 'Double Trouble' and she ended
up having twins."
The second lad responds, "That's
interesting -- guess what? My
wife read 'The Three Musketeers' when she was pregnant, and had
triplets."
The third gets up, already sweating profusely, and spurts, "Guys,
I've gotta get home right now. I
left my wife reading 'Ali-Baba
and the Forty Thieves!'"
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